This girl--

Aug 15

Haven’t purged in a week and 2 days

Haven’t really restricted either. And I haven’t gained any weight.

Might have lost weight. 

I love my life why didn’t I do this earlier? Clearly I am ~magical~ when I eat normally. I guess it also makes me think that my disordered eating bits weren’t that bad. But then I think about how I used to throw up 5+ times a day, and I’m thinking.. yeah it kinda was that bad wasn’t it?

Aug 14

Listening to Van Morrison, swingin’ around my almost clean apartment Boyfriend in 2 days.

I wrote so many hard emails today and I shared a draft of my paper with one of my many advisors. Time to take a break and go… shopping? Swimming? Idk? And then back to work because that is the story of my life.

Aug 13

Spending some quality time cleaning the apartment

In a uniform of my nightie and a pair of fryes I’m trying to break in. 

People just starting to go off to college. -_____-

[video]

Dearest AJ,

Sorry I had to put this here. I am not familiar with tumblr, I don’t know your email, so this is the most logical place for me to put this. I can take it down if you want. Sorry.

I am writing this because I am worried, and because I am thinking about you. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionist—anything, I am a thinker, though, and I thought maybe I could share my thoughts about you with you.

You and I both exist, and we both represent and model things that we experience into our view of the world. In that world, there are other people, and together they make a society. A society functions according to rules that sustain the order of the society, from which we get social norms. It is social norms, and not anything physical or inherent, that govern our interpretations of things we observe in ourselves and in others. Anorexia and bulimia—as well as bi-polar, depression, anything that can be diagnosed—are not an inherent, physical thing that a person has or is—but rather it is an observed deviation from socially normative behavior. There are people who are trained to separate (diagnose) these deviations from “disordered habits”—which I agree with you, are fairly common. Where I disagree with you, respectfully, is when you say that people with eating disorders are separate people—“special snowflakes”—that are inherently so separate from you that you could not possibly be one of them. 

I know you don’t mean this, but you are unintentionally marginalizing a community of people, separating them from the sphere of experience that you could have. That is offensive, maybe, but that is not my point or my intention of writing this out. My point is that you don’t need to be diagnosed to have a reason to change your ways. You don’t need to have a diagnosis to die.

Whether you have anorexia or you don’t have anorexia is, at least in part, decided by what society decides is normal, and what society deems to be deviant—it’s a measure of how much your behavior does not fit with our model of what is socially normative. We could all be a little anorexic—but no one says that because anorexia is defined by the degree of deviation, so it doesn’t make sense so say that, of course. But AJ, this distinction is socially constructed, and it does not govern the physical implications of your behavior. If you are in pain, you are in pain whether you have anorexia or not. If you are hurting, you need to change and it is not up to a doctor or a psychiatrist to tell you this.

You can’t just take all the people you think are anorexic, put them in a different bucket and tell yourself that because you are not diagnosed with their problem, you are neither deserving the help and support that nor immune to the consequences of continuing life as it is now.

I hope that helped a little. I’m sorry today was rough. I think you are a strong person and I trust that you can get through this. I suspect that this wall between anorexia and you is a defensive one, but I hope that you will understand what it’s made of and whether it’s a productive distinction for you to make.

Falling asleep this morning. I finally have my pre-draft all compiled, so now I will be editing everything slowly. Why did I wear a minidress today I want to be sprawled out on the lab couch but I can’t. Why.

Aug 12

Soooo I took my measurements:

34/25.5/36.

So it would be nice to be like, 34/24/35, but that would involve having my bottom half from LW and my boobs from now. NO THANKS. I like my boobs.

(25.5 in the morning.. didn’t remeasure anything else)

GPOY featuring:
my not-sexy nightie (… ;D)
my pig tails (ma reve de 12 ans)
my questionable armpit hair
my guns?
PS: how much of a nerd am I if the only thing I lift is my backpack?

GPOY featuring:

PS: how much of a nerd am I if the only thing I lift is my backpack?